Why do we keep going back to behaviors we know will hurt us? Why does the comfort we seek in them feel so real in the moment, only to leave us feeling worse than before? The answer lies in one of the most paradoxical truths of human nature: we can become genuinely convinced that something harmful is bringing us relief — when what it is actually doing is feeding a cycle of pain that requires more and more of the same “comfort” to sustain itself.
The Riddle of Exulting in Our Defects
Look for when you seek to act in defect — believing that there is comfort in it or pleasure in it. “What we must recognize is that we exult in some of our defects. We really love them.” That is the riddle of our existence: we really do not love them. We have convinced ourselves we love them. What we must recognize is the discomfort that comes with acting in them — the reverse side of what we believe is comfort.
See your comfort all the way through. In other words, if you act in a way you should not act, thinking that there is pleasure or comfort in it, ask God to show you the reverse side of the coin — the discomfort. For instance, thinking that if you eat the whole chocolate cake you will feel better. But how can a cake create or affect your feelings? It is only what the cake represents that creates feelings. Eating the whole cake, in fact, creates another kind of hole: the hole of self-loathing, where we are disgusted with ourselves for the action we just took.
False Comforts and the Fears Behind Them
This is the discomfort that comes with false comforts driven by our flaws, which represent our fears. Every defect of character — every behavior we return to even when we know it will hurt us — is ultimately connected to a fear. The overeating, the withdrawal, the angry outburst, the compulsive distraction — all of these are attempts to manage feelings that feel too large to sit with. The “comfort” is real in the sense that it temporarily reduces the discomfort of the fear. But it always leaves a larger deficit in its wake.
The question to ask, before you act, is: “What does this behavior actually represent? What fear is driving me toward it right now? And if I follow it all the way to the end — past the momentary relief — what will I actually feel?” That act of seeing the whole trajectory, not just the appealing first moment, is where real freedom lies.
The Difference Between the Adult and the Child
This is the difference between the adult and the child. The adult asks God to show them the discomfort before they take an action. The child only sees the pleasure and blinds itself to the liabilities. Growing up spiritually means developing the capacity to delay, to inquire, to see further down the road — and to make choices based on what you will feel after the action, not only what you feel in the moment of craving it.
Exult in the fun of getting to know yourself. Every time you catch one of these patterns — every time you ask God to show you the full picture before you act — you are choosing the adult path. And with each choice, the pull of those false comforts grows a little weaker.
- We genuinely believe our defects bring us comfort — the riddle is that we have convinced ourselves of something that is not true
- See the comfort all the way through: follow it past the momentary relief to the self-loathing, regret, or emptiness that always follows
- Every defect of character is connected to an underlying fear — the behavior is an attempt to manage a feeling too large to face directly
- Ask God to show you the discomfort before you act, not just the pleasure — this is the spiritual discipline that creates real choice
- The adult sees the full trajectory; the child only sees the first moment of relief
- Each time you catch the pattern and choose differently, the pull of false comfort weakens — this is how character is built
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