TLC Application 06|23|2011 “Seeing Dysfunction”

Nothing connects two people faster than honesty about our own dysfunction. When you can look someone in the eye and describe clearly what you are like when you are at your worst — when self-will has taken over and you have completely lost perspective — something remarkable happens. The other person relaxes. The guard comes down. Because they recognize themselves in what you are describing. And that recognition is where real change begins.

Why Talking About Dysfunction Creates Connection

Nothing slows people down better than when you start talking about what you are like when you get dysfunctional. If you can talk to someone about what your mind tells you in those moments, what your actions can become, and they are also in dysfunction — they might say, “Really? Me too.” That is the injury connection. Connecting to that deeper, inner truth in another person breeds more connection. What bonds human beings is being able to talk about what is going on inside our minds — but not to judge it, because in judging it we disconnect from it.

The key understanding is this: if we are not with God, that is exactly who we can be — very dysfunctional people. So we do not judge it, but we do not have to put up with it either. That is the funny part: when we connect that way, we do not let it affect us, but we do not let it trample over us either.

How to Disengage Without Judging

When we recognize dysfunction coming at us, we can say, “That is not something I need to engage with right now.” We can redirect someone who is heading down the wrong path by our ability to connect to it while distancing ourselves from it. We change direction for them: “What do you want to do about it? Now that we have concluded that, where are we going to go with it?” We can defend ourselves from dysfunction and redirect it into the solution. We can even relay, “When I get like that, this is what I do.” That is the gift of having done our own work — we can offer a path without preaching.

We have to be able to watch others in dysfunction and not feel as though it is going to hurt us — but learn from it without entering into the type of character we are observing.

Witnessing Dysfunction in Others Without Superiority

When we look at other people who are acting in dysfunction, and we are not, the temptation is to think: “That person is displaying terrible behavior. They look like a bad human being.” What we do not realize in that moment is that it is also us without God. That is us without a Way of Life. If we can see it that way, it frees us from the potential damage of taking it personally. It is about them. Everybody has to travel their own path.

We can recognize dysfunction in other people — without judgment — only for the purpose of knowing that if we are not with God, that is how we can behave. We can ask ourselves: “What do I act like when I am completely off my rocker, in my dysfunctional stuff? When everyone is on the same page but me? Do I look the same way?” We do. That is us.

That is why we do not want to enter into that dysfunctional character anymore. We can learn from other people’s dysfunction without judging them — and actually have empathy for them without feeling superior. By recognizing that what we see in them is what we do when we are without God, without our Creator, without a Way of Life. If we do not have a code of conduct, we can enter into what we might perceive as a barbaric state. And when we witness this in others, we remember: we can get there too. So we watch, we learn, and we stay connected.