Thursday, June 16, 2011
Memory warehouse…
It was important for me to recognize the difference between my brain and my mind…
My brain is an electrical wiring mechanism that records events, places, people and things in my life. This recording mechanism is nothing more than a gangling of wires and recorders, if you will. The intelligence that centers it is what decides what to record and what not to record. Now that is my mind. My mind centers my brain, but my brain doesn’t know what it’s doing. It just records what is in the centering intelligence of my brain. The reason that’s important is because I’m starting to recognize and look at that I can weigh my brain, but I can’t weigh my mind. My mind is not limited to time or space. My mind centers my thinking. Thinking is electricity. Thinking is energy.
Now, what happens is that as I’ve lived this life, I’ve used the desire within my soul to record events, places and circumstances. The desire, which is in my soul, and the things that I record has become a byproduct of the events that have happened in my life. Within each and every one of us, especially within me, is a desiring mechanism of how I would like my life to look, live and feel. Now, that desiring mechanism is lived in a world where bad events have taken place and these bad events shaped the way that I process this world by recording them into my brain. Now the desire of my soul activates those recordings and when I activate those recordings which could be trauma, bad events, bad using episodes, going to jail, crashing cars, divorces, all these things that go on it our life, they’re recorded and they’re stored in my house… My memory house in my brain. Then my soul goes and travels around in this memory house and it goes to the memories that are strongest. The ones that are strongest, unfortunately for me, are the injury memories. When I go to those injured memories through my soul’s desire to try and figure out what actions I should take, I do it out of fear now because I’m going to bad memories. Because when I go to trauma memory and I live in a state of trauma what’s happening is, my soul is not going in the direction that I would like it to go in terms of a way of life… Boundaries like: “Okay, don’t talk bad to people. Try not to have ill feelings towards people. Try not to think aggressively towards people.” These kind of boundaries and value systems are something I didn’t have – they are awareness that I have had but I couldn’t quite manifest them to the full extent to which I wanted to. So, I have to start understanding: “What happens to me? How do I operate?”
I’m learning that I’m going to find out what all those hard recordings are that I live through all the time. I don’t choose to live through them, I live through them to defend myself from them happening again.
So, when I try to defend myself from these bad events happening again I stay in that realm. I can’t allow for anything else in there and what I’m subject to is my ability to process, deal and defend myself from those memories of those bad events. My ability to deal and process or defend myself from bad memories and bad events is limited because the bad events and those things that have happened in my life changed me. They altered the way that I feel, the way that I look at the world. I walk with many injuries, so I’ve got this warehouse of recorded injuries. I’m trying to recognize that the warehouse has no knowledge of what it is. It’s like, what’s recorded in my brain has no awareness of what it recorded, it’s just recorded on hard wiring. So, I’m starting to learn to recognize the difference between thinking and knowing. Between reacting and acting. Between living in the knowing and living in the effects, living in cause and living in effect. And starting to distinguish what those things are inside of me, I’m starting to realize that my mind is there. My soul is what I have, it’s my identity. Now, what my soul represents is my desires for what I think will make me happy.
What blocks me from fulfilling my desires from what will make me happy is this warehouse of recorded memories that I’ve got to stop referring to.
It makes so much sense. If I didn’t ever refer to my past, I believe I have a way of life which would allow me to live harmoniously. My battle then becomes one of living in the day that I’m in and not referring to yesterdays or yesterday’s feelings and develop an awareness of when I do that. I’ve got a malady of the mind, and that malady of the mind means that I’ve got a disease in my recorded mechanism. There’s disease in there. There’s ailment there. There are fears,anxieties, and troubles. When you activate those memories, you feel those feelings again. When you feel those feelings again, you try to defend yourself from feeling that way again and by defending yourself from feeling that way again, you panic. And in a panic mode you say things you shouldn’t say, you feel things you shouldn’t feel, you think in areas you don’t want to think in but you can’t stop yourself. Because this warehouse of recorded memories is where you go through to try to figure out what to do. If we can get you out of the memory land and we can get you living in the now then we can start to have a chance to defend you from your past, from those traumatic memories.
What gives you objectivity? You have to have a system which you anchor to to keep you objective. What’s the system that you anchor to to keep you objective? A philosophy… A way of life. The 12 Steps! That’s your system that keeps you from living in memory, that gives you that objectivity.
Much love,
K.C.
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