Character Assassination

Have you ever caught yourself mentally tearing someone apart — and then wondered what that says about you? Character assassination, whether spoken aloud or running silently in your mind, reveals far more about our own inner state than it does about the person we’re judging.

What Character Assassination Really Is

If you find yourself character assassinating someone, stop in the middle, and turn it around to the positive. Ask yourself: What is it about me that feels vulnerable or less than? Why am I not feeling good about myself right now?

If you walk around and you see other people misbehave — you witness people being disorderly — you might think, “Oh my god, that person’s making a total fool of themselves, they look like a terrible human being.” But here’s the truth we must face: that’s us, without God. That’s me without a way of life.

If I can see it that way, it frees me from the damage. Everyone has to go their own path. I have to watch other people be in dysfunction, and not feel as though it’s going to hurt me — but learn from it. Not enter that type of character, by recognizing it in other people without judgment. Only for the purpose of: “Man, if I’m not with God, that’s how I can behave.”

Learning from Others Without Judging Them

What do I act like when I’m completely off my rocker — when I’m doing my dysfunctional stuff, or I’m not on the right page? I do look the same way. And that’s why I learn from watching others in dysfunction: I know I don’t want to go into that character anymore.

I can learn from other people’s dysfunction without judging them, having empathy for them, without feeling superior in any way — but recognizing: that’s what I get like without God, without my Creator, without a way of life. Without a code of conduct, I can enter what might be called a barbaric state. The barbaric state is relative because my version may look different, but in reality it’s still self-will running before me.

That’s what it means to judge not. Don’t judge it, because in judging it you’re disconnecting from it instead of connecting to it and being humble enough to know — that’s exactly who I can be.

The Paradox: Connect to It, But Don’t Let It Trample You

Here’s the surprising part: when I connect with someone’s dysfunction rather than judge it, I don’t have to let it trample over me either. I can completely say, “No, don’t bring that to me.” It empowers me to have a choice not to interact with it. I realize that’s me in dysfunction — and if you’re in dysfunction right now, I’m not going to engage with it. I’ll talk to you when you quiet down.

This sounds firm, but it’s actually a form of love — not allowing self-will to run the conversation. When you stop someone feeding on “I’ve been wronged” — you can redirect them. What do you want to do about it? Now that we’ve identified the problem, where do you want to go with it?

How Connection Heals Where Judgment Fails

Nothing better slows people down than when you talk about what you’re like when you’re dysfunctional. If I can talk to you about what I get like when I’m in self-will — what my actions can become — and you’re in dysfunction, you might say, “Oh really… you hear that voice too?”

That’s the deeper connection. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous works. People think it’s because other alcoholics understand. But in reality, what’s happening is that we’re able to articulate and talk about something that happens inside of us — that inner voice — that we didn’t think other people understood. When someone else describes it, there’s a connection on a deep level you don’t seem to have with other people.

Really, what bonds human beings is being able to talk about what’s going on in our minds. That’s the antidote to character assassination: instead of tearing someone down in your mind, look for the shared humanity underneath.

Have fun,
Much love,
KC